Fear

Over the past three and a half years I have found myself becoming more and more aware of the fear that I have in my life.  Before I came to the field, I would never have described myself as fearful.  As a matter of fact, I would have used confident as a word to describe myself.  Little did I know then that I would have the experiences I would have and the realization that I am a fearful woman.
In many ways I believe that coming to the mission field is more about me than others.  God had some transforming work to do in me and had to relocate me to make that happen. A year ago I was tasked to pick up an accreditor from the airport.  He was a director at another school in SE Asia tasked to be a part of our school's accreditation team.  As we sat at the airport having coffee he jokingly said that he now believed that being a missionary and moving across the world was God's way of taking those who need a little extra work out of their comfort zone in order to accomplish the work that needed to be accomplished.  He said missionaries tend to have rougher edge that need to be smoothed so they need a bit more work - work that could not be completed in our hometown.  He laughed.  I sat and let those words ring in my ears.  He may have been joking but for me those words resonated in a huge way.  In a way that was a bit comforting.  It's ok to not be perfect and let God work on me as I serve here in these foreign surroundings.
As we were preparing to head to the field in 2010 we had so many say to us that they were so proud of us.  It was awkward.  All I could do is muster a simple thank you.  The truth is, I am not worthy of this calling.  I am not worthy of so many of the blessings that I have been given in my life.  I am in no way different from any other mother or wife that is trying her best to be the best wife and mother that God has called me to be.  I fail daily, what were they proud of?
So what have I learned?
Fear is satan's tool to make me doubt my call.  Fear is what satan uses to make me feel like less than a mom, wife, friend than I should be - FEAR can immobilize me, make me panic and cause me to do nothing.  With fear I stand paralyzed - afraid to make a choice, afraid to fail, afraid to not meet the expectations that I have decided people have for me in this life.  
I do not have answers beyond acknowledging the source of my fear - I do know that:
The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1-3
I confess that I have fear for my children and their well-being, I fear for the loss of people I love back home as I am so far away, I fear that I have been forgotten by those I love, I fear that I am less than who I should be for the people around me, I fear that I am not thin enough, too old, too tired, too much grey hair, I fear I lack strength to support my husband as I need to, I fear that I am not patient enough or take enough time for my children, I fear they are hurting.
However, I do know that God is there with me.
This is a new journey for me, one that will surely change me from within.  This is a subject that I will come back to.  Until then, is fear in your life?  How do you fight it?  How do you rise above it?

Father,
I praise you that you are all powerful and all knowing in my life.  Nothing takes you by surprise - nothing causes you fear.  I praise you for your unconditional love for me and I praise you that when I am fearful you do not leave my side.  Father, I confess to you that I give in to the lies and I stumble and become terrified by fear.  I confess that I do not always live as if I believe your Word.  Father, I ask you to give me the courage to stand up to the lies of fear in my life, the lies of being less than you have called me to be.  Although the lessons may be stretching and painful Father - I ask that you continue to mold me and make me to be who you need me to be - not to further me or my ambitions or dreams but to further your Kingdom work - in whatever capacity.  Thank you Father for who you are, thank you for your grace and mercy, thank you for the lessons I have learned and the lessons that are ahead.  I praise you for them all. Amen.

A Good Place to Start

For the last two years I have been slowly compiling thoughts, prayers and ponderings as I walk along the journey of our family's ministry here in Indonesia.  After a bit of encouragement from others, I will start putting some of those things here.  I pray that as I stand exposed and vulnerable in my writings and my experiences, you will find encouragement that you are not alone.  Through each victory and triumph in our lives we stand together as the body of Christ.  This is written specifically with other moms, wives, daughters, women in mind who served, are serving or are preparing to serve in the mission field.  However, I invite anyone to read, pray and comment as they are moved.  Happy New Year!